The parties, family gatherings, gift exchanges and other activities of the holiday season can provide a much-needed distraction from the events of the world. But for those who have lost a loved one, the holidays are often less a distraction and more a reminder of loss.
A psychologist at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis says for those who are grieving, a “normal” holiday season may not be possible, but there are strategies that can be used to help things go more smoothly.
While some who have lost loved ones may still be able to enjoy the holidays despite their grief, others won’t be able to look at a Christmas tree or holiday lights without remembering the loss they have suffered. Bereavement is a very personal experience, says Washington University psychologist Teresa Deshields, Ph.D. Often, she says, it takes some time to come to terms with the reality of a loved one’s death and to work through the grief associated with that loss. And that grief can be particularly difficult at this time of year.
Deshields says it’s not just the holidays themselves, but the anticipation of the holidays that can be tough as well.
“There’s a lot of dread as you move into the holidays, fears about how terrible it’s going to be. Sometimes it’s not as bad as people fear,” she says.
Deshields is director of Psycho-Oncology Services for the Siteman Cancer Center at Washington University’s School of Medicine and Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. She says during the holidays, some people deal with their loss by changing their holiday routines and family traditions. She says individuals and families tend to do better if they really think about what they want to do during the holidays, make some decisions and then make specific plans, often including ways to incorporate reminders of their lost loved ones.
“You know, maybe you just don’t feel up to doing the decorations like you used to, and that’s okay. You might feel back up to it next year. But it’s helpful to think about ‘Do I want to do that? Do I not want to do that?’ And then there are some people who go on a cruise and skip the whole thing at home. For some people, it’s a decision they get to make on their own. For others, it’s a decision they make with family. You have to decide for yourself what’s going to be the best way to get through this. And realize that you don’t have to decide now for all Christmases to come — just for this one.”
Deshields, an assistant professor of medicine at Washington University, says that one step in the process of bereavement involves finding a permanent place for your feelings about a lost loved one. Some people decide to use symbols that remind them of their deceased friend or family member. Often a candle, a special ornament for the tree, a picture or another symbol can help families remember and provide comfort, rather than pain.
“The tricky thing can be that sometimes what is meaningful and special to one person, might be upsetting to someone else. So if this is a time you’re going to have a lot of family around, there might have to be a little negotiation about what type of memorial is okay. People can have very different feelings about what’s comforting and what’s not.”
The holidays also can be a tough time of year for families in which someone has been recently diagnosed with a serious illness. Some people will go through the holiday season with a pretty good idea that this will be the last one together. Deshields says that can be a real burden, but knowing also provides an opportunity.
“It’s an opportunity to know that this is a special holiday season and to decide what you want to do with it when you know it may be the last. We don’t always take advantage of that.”
While everyone would agree that having your loved ones with you and healthy is the ideal, Deshields says that when that’s not possible, you can — and will — survive the holidays, even if it means making some temporary, or permanent changes in how you celebrate them.
And she says it’s important to remember that not preparing for the holidays won’t keep them from coming.